So after the Episode

After spending 2 weeks with the wife on holiday. Putting on a brave face on my personal torment of being lost and no idea where to go from here

I shrugged it off as an episode of just being stupid just shrug it off and i will be fine came to mind

Anyway 1st day back to works looms and i trudge down the same old weary road to get the old faithful 7.56 queen margret to edinburgh train. At this point i feel lonely lost and just couldnt give a fuck anymore. So im standing there on the platform 2 feet from the edge and my thought go blank/numb the train comes closer and closer i can feel the rumbleof the tracks as it vibrates the platform . For some unknown reason i stretch oht my right arm behind me and grab the lamp post .

The train rumbles to a halt everyone starts to board. I stand there twlling myself not to be fucking stupid and get on the train. I will be ok when i get there its just the holiday blues kicking in. I spend the next 39 minute to saying to myself snap out of it you’ll be fine in a couple of days

Started to tell how i feeling

Now its been nearly a year since i sat on The Forth Road Bridage with a btle of Jack and thought about JUMPING. But didnt so i hit the bottle hard

I have been up n down the emotional hate/love self  path

Im not long back from holiday and i was feeling positive but sometimes people have a way of getfimg under your skin and just egg you on to fail and piss you off

Today i gave in and let my anger rip and went for a wee walk to a quiet corner

Came back and saw the asshole felt anger then took a knife and quickly slashed my wrist. Just a little cut. Just enough to let the anger out but unfortuanately my line manager saw me and was horrified. So i now wait for tje doctor to see me and discuss how im feeling

Well its been a year now

I was always active working 5x10hr nightshifts then cycling home 22.5 miles from Edinburgh to Dunfermline in many weathers. I’d get home 1hr 38mins later have a wash then sleep for 5 hrs 

Do the usual laundry housework some breakie/lunch and stretches

Play a little ps3 or go to the gym for an hour. The cycle back to work

But suddenly my mood changed to me it was sudden to others it was gradual

I started to sink into a depressive state without knowing

I ate less but drank (alchol mainly) more. But i never really noticed

I was on holiday in Majorca as always going out on my 1st morning there for a jog as i always did but only got half way along to the end of road when i stopped and felt a horrible damp dark geeling come over my head. I ended sitting on the beach for hour totally blank and numb no feeling what so ever

After what felt ages i got up and started to walk back to the appartment but stopped for a coffee 1st to see if it would help